by Rodney Lee Conover
Whenever I hear someone talk about different cities in the United States that Al Qaeda may be planning to attack, I always take them seriously except when they mention “Las Vegas.” Then I have to laugh.
Terrorists are not going to mess with the city of Las Vegas for a couple reasons: First of all, the odds of the Saudi Royal Family staying at Ceasar’s Palace or some other swanky resort penthouse are pretty good. I doubt they’d want to be caught up in the middle of some terrorist emergency while they’re indulging in Baccarat, blonde American escorts, hanging out by the pool sans Burkas and veils, or any number of pleasures anathema to the strict tenements of Islam.
And secondly, if you think George W. Bush, General Tommy Franks, Donald Rumsfeld, David Patreus and the U.S. military rained down hell on you, wait’ll you make the mistake of messing with the likes of Kirk Kerkorian, Sheldon Adelson and Steve Wynn. These guys build, operate and keep everyone in line in massive casinos in Las Vegas and all over the world – and could probably run the United States with their eyes closed but don’t want the pay cut. Bomb Las Vegas? I don’t think so because the head of the snake would get cut off before you could say “hit me.”
I’m guessing the Las Vegas solution would involve the quiet, yet swift elimination of a couple dozen of the folks who are financing these Islamo nut-jobs, as well as a few well-placed hollow-points through the skulls of thirty or so members of their families, just for effect. Then a nice, yet tersely worded letter delivered to the heads of each country and faction which allows this madness to continue. It might go as follows:
We request you discontinue financing, encouraging, condoning or tolerating any further attacks of any sort on Americans, American cities, or American interests. Future attacks such as the one on Las Vegas occurring anywhere in the world which involve even one American death or casualty will result in more unfortunate incidents recently visited upon the following people:
— Here would be a detailed list of Muslim leadership, terrorists and family members recently whacked in horrific, yet professional fashion around the globe
Unfortunately, due to the circumstances you have so unwisely brought upon yourselves, we are holding as collateral the following personnel here in the beautiful American resort destination of Las Vegas:
— Here would be a list of Saudi Royal Family members being kept in a dungeon beneath The Flamingo Casino & Resort
In addition, and again because of some very poor judgment on your part, we will be making non-negotiable visits to approximately 1,000 more of your countrymen, their family and friends over the next 90 days, just to reinforce the seriousness of your actions and to convey the sincerity, willingness and complete understanding of our resolve in this regrettable affair.
Thank-you in advance for your cooperation in this matter and we know in the future when you travel you have a choice – and it is our hope that you’ll choose the world’s finest playground destination – beautiful and exciting Las Vegas!
The Good Folks of Las Vegas
Problem solved for a long while, anyway…